The Fullmetal Comic Reviewing Alchemist
by The wielder of the blue flames
Summary: What if Ed found another book in his father's study? What if that book belonged to his distant ancestor? Well he surely wasn't expecting to review comic books! Follow Ed, Al, Winry, Pollo in a quest to protect the earth from both Homunculi and Gods. Follows FMAB plot with 2003 fillers. (Smart, strong Ed. EdWin. Filed under Fullmetal Alchemist because no section in Web Shows)


**Hey everybody! Wielder Of The Blue Flames here with a new story for you all!**

**Sorry about the long wait! I've had a very serious case of writers block and a bunch of other things!**

**This one is another crossover. This time with my favourite anime Fullmetal Alchemist and my new favourite web series Atop The Fourth Wall!**

…**And no, I was not drunk when I thought of this crossover.**

**This story will follow the Brotherhood plot-line with filler episodes from the 2003 anime and maybe some elements from it as well. Maybe I'll borrow Sloth and Wrath from the 2003 anime too. **

**Also, I want Ed to be a little like Linkara so his personality and jokes will confuse others like Roy, The Homunculi and others. The only ones who truly get it are Al and Winry.**

**Also to make the story longer, I'll also be doing the AT4W Arcs. So that includes Insano, Mechkara, The Magic Gun, The Entity and of course, Lord Vyce! And now the recently finished King of Worms Arc!**

**Ed will be doing comic reviews from the arcs and random ones for the episodes. Also, he'll have Pollo, versions of himself as Harvey Finevoice, 90's Kid, Dr. Linksano who will be Dr. Edsano, The Ninja Style Dancer, Boffo the clown and Nimue.**

**Now with that out of the way, let's begin.**

**Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist belongs to Hiromu Arakawa. AT4W belongs to Lewis Lovhaug.**

**Prologue and Star Trek #1!**

_**Earlier today… **_

"**AL!"**

"**BROTHER!"**

"**DAMN IT! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!"**

'**CLANG!'**

"**JUST GIVE HIM BACK! HE'S MY LITTLE BROTHER! HE'S ALL I HAVE LEFT!"**

'**FWOOSH!'**

_**Resembool… Present time… **_

Eleven year old Edward Elric's eyes shot open as he woke up from his wheelchair from shock and horror. He panted slowly as he realised that he was back in reality after having a nightmare.

No, not a nightmare.

A memory.

Ed shut his eyes tightly as he remembered what he and his brother, Al, attempted to do.

All they wanted to do was to see they're mother's smile again.

And instead, he lost his right arm and left leg and his brother lost his entire body. Not wanting to lose the last remaining member of his family, he managed to use his alchemy to bind his brother's soul to one of his father's old armours in his study.

'_What have I done?' _He thought in anguish. This was all his fault. Now his brother was stuck in a metal shell and he can't eat, feel or touch.

A few days after the incident, two people from military came to visit them. One of them was named Colonel Roy Mustang, who proposed the idea for Edward to join the military and become a State Alchemist. It was defiantly a tempting offer. With that status, he could use many resources to find a way to get their bodies back.

While he was in his father's study, he managed to find a book that held a huge lead into getting them back. It told of a rare and powerful artefact known as the Philosopher Stone. It was said to have the ability to increase the power of the user's alchemy tenfold. However it didn't say how it was made or where to find it.

'_How the hell am I going to get our bodies back if none of these damn books tell me where it is?' _Ed growled in frustration before he threw the book away and it hit a nearby bookcase, knocking over a nearby huge, purple book which landed by Ed's foot.

The young alchemy protégé looked down and lifted the book up curiously. _'What is this?' _He thought. He and his brother searched this place from top to bottom and they had never seen this book before.

'_This could show us an easier way on how to get our bodies back!' _He thought with a smile as he opened the cover to see the first page. His smile turned into a confused frown when he saw a message written in it.

"_To anyone who finds this, I hope it is one of my decedents. I leave this guide behind for you and you alone to open it and gain the powers and the equipment of the Fourth Wall. After reading this message, you shall gain the knowledge of what you have to do. You are not alone in this as well. I have left some people to help you with this task. There is no one else I trust with this and I know you'll do well._

_Oh, by the way, you'll also get my memories just to get you started._

_Take good care of yourself and remember to make bad comics burn!_

_-Signed Linkara._

_P.S. The comics are in the book in compartments. _

Edward just stared blankly at the message before he shouted indignantly. "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF BOOK IS THI-!?"

'**FWOOSH!'**

He was interrupted by a huge flash of light and his surroundings changed into a white void. This terrified him, because it looked just like the same place he met that truth guy! Before he could speak, his eyes widened as he suddenly saw images in his mind and heard many voices.

"_**Hello and welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall where bad comics burn."**_

"_**It's magic. I don't have to explain it."**_

"_**I AM A MAN!"**_

"_**Oh, how I do love owning a spaceship!"**_

"_**It's Morphin Time!"**_

"_**I… Have had… Enough of… You!"**_

"_**Of course! Don't you know anything about science!?"**_

"_**I still don't have functioning arms."**_

"_**DDDDDUUUUUUUDDDDEEE!"**_

"_**Where the hell is my pay-cheque? I've got dames to smooch!"**_

"_**Death by the superior being."**_

"_**All that he sees, he conquers."**_

_**"HHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMAAAAAAANNNNN!"**_

"_**With a platinum mask your soul he'll borrow and a clockwork soldier is born and hollow!" **_

"_**Pollo, you saved me! From you… wait."**_

"_**ADAMANTIUM RAGE!"**_

"_**You magnificent bastard, I read YOUR BOOK!"**_

"_**This unit is operational."**_

"_**I SAID, YOU'RE STANDING IN MY SPOT SIR!"**_

"_**GIVE MY REGARDS TO CABLE, YOU UGLY METAL PIECE OF CRAP!"**_

"_**THIS COMIC SUCKS!"**_

And then it stopped.

Ed shook his head a few times before he finally looked at his surroundings. The books were still there, the one in his hand was still there and so was the little blue puppet.

…

…WAIT, WHAT!

Ed jumped in fright when he noticed the little blue _thing _looking straight at him with its single red eye. It had a square head and body and what appeared to be a skirt attached to the bottom. It had a grey speaker and a black cross on its body. "Whatever you are… s-stay back!" He ordered as he wheeled himself away, in fear of what the creature would do to him.

"**Do not be alarmed. I was a friend of your ancestor. My name is Pollo." **The blue thing, now identified as Pollo, spoke in a synthesized voice with only a littlebit of emotion. **"It is a good to finally meet you, Edward Elric."**

"Wait! How did you know my name?" The young alchemist asked, curious as to why this blue _thing _popped out of nowhere and knew who he was.

"**I have been programmed to recognize who was my friend's next descendant was and who their relatives are." **The little robot spoke as it hovered in the air near Edward's level. **"I have also taken the liberty of annualizing the area and your house to get a better sense of what happened to you."**

Ed shook his head as he tried process what the robot was saying when he suddenly adopted an angry look on his face. "You looked inside my home! How the hell did you do that and why!?"

"**I did it because I must confirm if you are truly Linkara's descendant. And I managed to do it with my internal scanner." **Pollo explained.

Ed looked down to the floor with a frown. "Then that means you must know what we did."

"**Yes, I do." **

Ed just looked away in shame. What he and his brother committed was the ultimate taboo and for good reason.

The two now knew why.

"**But you mustn't blame yourself for what happened."**

"BUT IT'S MY FAULT! I DID THIS TO MY BROTHER!" Ed screamed to the blue robot, tears welling up in his eyes. "BECAUSE OF ME HE'LL NEVER FEEL HUMAN AGAIN!"

"**And yet he agreed to help you with the transmutation."**

"Because I goaded him into doing it!"

"**The two of you would end up doing it future anyway."**

Ed gasped at the robot's proclamation. "What?"

"**In the end, you're curiosity and desperation to bring your mother back would lead you to the same position as you are now currently in."**

"And how would you know that?"

"**I am an advanced robot built with the most sophisticated technology to this date and year. It is my nature to anticipate these things."**

Ed looked at the blue robot with and eyebrow raised. "What's a robot?"

"**I would like to give you an explanation, but it would take much longer than it should. So for the time being, let's get down to business."**

"And what's that?"

Pollo just hovered over to the huge book that was discarded on the floor and opened to one page showing a thin book with a rather weird cover. He then looked at the young Elric with his red eye. **"Making bad comics burn."**

_**Later…**_

"Is this really necessary?" Edward asked as he now wore a red shirt with a burning wall with a hat atop it. He also wore a brown jacket, a brown hat and some glasses. After a very long explanation, he sat down behind a yellow wall on a green futon and looking straight at the blue robot.

"**It is better to wear something people will recognize differently." **Pollo explained, who was now behind a video camera, ready to record everything.

"Ok. But why do I have to talk about this thing?" The boy pointed at the comic he was currently holding. "I doubt anyone else would care what I say about this thing."

"**You would be surprised by how many people watch a person screaming and yelling about something that may seem pointless when it actually isn't."**

"But what do I say? I don't know where to begin!"

"**Don't worry. You'll know what to say soon enough."**

"But why should I do any of this? I don't have any time for this stuff! I need to find a way to get my brother's body back!"

"**Because this is the fastest way into doing that task."**

"How?"

"**You are just going to have to trust me."**

Edward frowned before turning to the camera. "Fine! Let's just get this over with."

Pollo tilted forward, imitating a nod of a head and turned on the camera. **"We are going live in three, two and one." **Then a red light flashed on the camera.

Edward sat up straight and looked to the camera, like he was actually facing an audience.

"Hello and welcome to Atop The Fourth Wall where bad comics burn." He greeted pleasantly before frowning. "My name is Edward Elric and I am here to make sure that any comic book out there that's so bad be criticised and wiped off the face of the earth!"

"So, I'll begin by saying that I'm proud to say that I'm a Star Trek fan." He said, even though he never even heard of the franchise or even knew that it existed.

It just came out of nowhere!

Never the less, he continued like it was a regular thing. "And while I have not heard of it, there is supposed to be a remake of the film franchise in the future as a prequel. But we must also give a fond farewell to Ricardo Montalban, who passed away a few days before the release of it. And Star Trek fans like me will always remember him in one particular role."

**(Showing various clips from Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan. Including Khan himself)**

**Khan:**_** "I'll chase him round the Moons of Nibia and round the Antrares Maelstrom and round Perdition's Flames before I give him up!"**_

"Star Trek 2 was considered a godsend after the dull special effects-fest that was Star Trek: The Motion Picture. The story is Shakespearean in its writing dealing with themes of age, loss, revenge and sacrifice." Ed continued before holding a finger up. "Although, a lot of people also tend to remember one particular thing about it."

**(Now showing a clip of Captain Kirk with an enraged face, holding a communicator near his mouth before screaming the famous line)**

**Kirk:**_** "KHHHHHHAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!" **_

Ed winced for moment before resuming his composer. That scream held anger and pure hatred in it that sounded so powerful to him. "Yeah, that's the one." He then held up another finger before pointing out. "But what people also forget is what inspired Kirk to utter his immortal scream."

**(Showing a clip Khan mocking Kirk with eerie music in the background)**

**Khan:**_** "I've done far worse than kill you… I've hurt you! And I wish to go on hurting you!"**_

Ed felt his jaw drop slowly as he watched the scene. It just felt so real to him and it honestly scared him.

**Khan:**_** "I shall leave you as you left me… as you left her… marooned for all eternity in the centre of a dead planet…)**_

Ed leaned back away from the clip in fear. He knew this wasn't real but it felt real to him! The guy was speaking with nearly no emotion and yet with so much emotion at the same time, to his worst enemy and condemning him to his death in revenge!

**Khan:**_** "…buried alive! Buried alive!"**_

Ed just sat there, his mouth open, his eyes wide and his mind blown. Just one scene amazed him!

And he loved it!

All he had to say was. "Damn."

He shook his head before returning back to reality. "In any case, Star Trek isn't a stranger to comics, having runs with almost every major publisher as well as several independence. So why this one you ask?" He then smiled before holding up the comic in question. "Well, we'll find out soon enough! So let's dig into Star Trek #1!" He said as he held up the comic.

**(Showing the cover first with Ed voicing over.)**

"Before we get to cover itself, what we see here is one of the essential flaws of the comic: It came out in February of 1984!"__He shouted out. "That's almost two years after Star Trek 2 came out! So while it was still of course a popular film, the audience had already moved on by this point in anticipating other things. Like what you ask? Oh, I don't know. How about Star Trek 3!?"

Ed frowned as he looked at the camera. "Yeah! This comic came out a mere four months before Star Trek 3 was released and this comic follows-up on events from _Wrath Of Khan!_ But Star Trek 3 clearly takes place right after Star Trek 2, making the events featured in this completely and utterly not cannon!" He ranted before calming down. "And that's actually fine. Gene Roddenberry, Star Trek's creator, went on record long ago that the only real continuity of the series was the Live-action TV shows and movies." He explained before frowning again. "But what incentive does a reader have in investing in a comic that in a few short months is gonna be something that didn't really happen."

Ed just sighed and continued. "Now let's get onto the cover itself. It's busy and annoyingly so." He pointed at the cover which showed a crude art design of the crew. "Having the main cast on the cover in their bridge positions is neat, but of course they're all smushed together to fit everyone together within the dimension of the page. And then we have these random blue lines shooting out of Kirk's head. Who knew Shatner's toupee could shoot out death-rays." He joked before taking a closer look at the cover. "Actually, taking a closer look it looks like the_ Enterprise's _deflector dish. Although why it's shooting out death-rays is any one's guess. Plus it's so hard to tell that it even is the _Enterprise_ under all that mess!"

Ed just waved his arm and smiled. "But, let's leave it at that and get on with the main story."

**(Now starting the main plot of the comic, showing the first page with Ed voicing over again)**

"We open to Kirk's standard narration for the opening of the series. I'm skipping it here since frankly if you don't know the '_Space. The final frontier' _thing, where have you been for the last forty years?"

**(Next Page)**

"The comic actually opens on the edge of the Neutral Zone where the star-ship _Gallant_ is patrolling the area and the _Gallant _actually looks like a humpback Whale from the side! Is this a foreshadowing of Star Trek 4 or just really poor aesthetics in the future?_**You make the call**__!" _He said dramatically before continuing.

"The Captain's log points out that there have been numerous Klingon violations in the Neutral Zone lately. Oh, and the Captain of the mighty Federation Star-ship _Gallant? _His name is Captain Bearclaw!"

Ed just gave a stern look and joked in a serious voice. "Get Lieutenant Fudgickle up here Ensign Bigglebits!"

**(Cut back to the comic)**

"A crew-member reports seeing an energy-wave but before they could learn anymore, the ship is instantly attacked by Klingon's. And right here we see why it's kind of hard to pull off Star Trek in comic form."

Ed shows a page of the comic with a very crappy blast. "Supposedly the Klingon are shooting full Phasers here, but the artwork suggests that the _Gallant _is radiating off energy. And the Klingon ships? There all crowded together, two on top of each-other! Come on Klingons, I know you're paid by the panel time, but could you please _scoot over!" _Ed joked/complained.

"Of course they destroy the _Gallant_ but the ship manages to shoot off they're log buoy before they get blasted. On the bridge of one of the Klingon ships the crew celebrates… well most of them anyway. One lone Klingon however is horrified by the fact that they just blew up, you know, their _enemy_!"

**(We cut to the Klingon with a horrified expression and with a thought bubble over his head)**

_**The Klingon cry-baby: "Gods, those poor souls!"**_

**(Cut back to Ed with an annoyed look)**

"Oh come on man! You're a Klingon! You're a freaking warrior culture!" He ranted. "At least say '_That was no honourable way to die!'_ or some crap like that! I mean what would ya-"

_**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**_

He was brought out of his ranting when he heard what sounded like an alarm. "Uh, Pollo, what the hell was that?" He asked the blue robot.

"**That was the Continuity Alarm." **He replied. **"When you bring up the continuity of other things into the comic you are reviewing, it will sound off."**

"Oh." The alchemist nodded before frowning. "Could you turn it off? I think I can handle it from here."

"**Very well. But it's not easy to do so. It turns itself on most of the time, whether you like it or not."**

"Oh great!" Ed whined before continuing.

"Okay in fairness, it wasn't until a few years later on the next generation when the Klingons were developed as a warrior society all about honor, loyalty and battle. But seriously, who is this wussy?" He complained. "For crying out loud, if you didn't expect to kill people maybe you shouldn't have taken a job on a warship!"

He then turned the page. "Okay, we switch over to the_ Enterprise_. Kirk's log says that they've returned to earth, but I guess they were using old stock footage of the ship because even with stylization, that doesn't look anything like earth."

**(Cut to the page with Kirk narrating)**

**Kirk: **_**"Captain's log, Stardate 8145.3: Dr. Carol Marcus and Dr. David Marcus… My son… Have returned to the Regula 1 base to continue their work…"**_

**(We cut to Ed mimicking Kirk's speech pattern)**

"Continue their work, alone, with all the dead bodies still lying on the station."

_**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**_

Ed turned back to the Continuity Alarm and scowled. "Hey! I'm only going to give you one warning!" He threatened.

**(Cut back to page)**

**Kirk: **_**"...The Enterprise has returned to earth where I have requested an audience with Starfleet Grand Admiral Stephen Turner, concerning a matter of the gravest personal importance."**_

**(Cut back to Ed)**

"What do you mean Starfleet's not going to reimburse me for my ripped shirts anymore?" He joked to the camera while still impersonating Kirk.

**(We cut back to the comic where Kirk is talking to the Grand Admiral)**

"Anyway, Kirk is talking to the Grand Admiral how he would like to take command of the _Enterprise _since Spock is dead.

**(Kirk is now shaking hands with the Grand Admiral)**

**Stephen: **_**"We've taken her away from you twice and you've gotten her back twice. I'd think that's lesson enough even for a Grand Admiral!"**_

"Yeah! I mean why would we want orders to actually be followed?" Ed scoffed sarcastically. "I mean what kind of sense does that make?"

"Anyway, Kirk then calls the ship to tell them of the good news."

**(We cut to the crew on the ship)**

**Kirk communicating: **_**"Well Mr. Sulu, Let's just say that I was able to make old man Turner to see things my way!"**_

Ed shook his head with a raised eyebrow. "Old man Turner? Since when did this become a 1950's teenage sitcom?" He asked himself.

**Kirk communicating: "**_**Beam me aboard and inform the crew!"**_

**Mr. Sulu: **_**"They already know sir! I patched you through the ship!"**_

"Well then, while I've got them, let me tell you about the incredible offers from ." Ed joked again.

**(We then cut to the main crew)**

**Doctor McCoy: "**_**You'll need someone to keep you out of trouble Jim! Request assignment as medical officer!"**_

**Kirk: **_**"Request accepted doctor!"**_

**Mr. Scott: **_**"The engine room's fully operational again sir. I'd like t'tag along and keep her that way!"**_

**Kirk: **_**"My thoughts exactly Mr. Scott!"**_

Ed turned to the camera with a raised eyebrow. "Is he gonna be going through the entire crew like this?" He asked himself.

**(Ed is now seated on one end of the couch while a double of him is on the other, now doing a sketch)**

"Hello! I'm Ensign Stevens and I'm gonna stay too!" The double greeted with a smile.

The real Edward was posing as Kirk. "Great to have you aboard Ensign!" He replied with Kirk's impersonation.

Another double appeared. "I'm Lieutenant Redman and I'm going to be joining you too!" He saluted.

"Um, yes, that's great." Ed waved with a confused look on his face.

And another double appeared. "I'm Lieutenant Fisher sir and I'm-"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to remember all your names." Ed interrupted with a raised hand.

**(We then cut to Mr. Saavik)**

**Mr. Saavik: **_**"All stations report secure sir."**_

**Kirk: **_**"Thank you Mr. Saavik! Prepare to leave orbit as soon as I'm aboard!"**_

**(Ed is seen talking to his double again)**

"But we were going to have Shirley's sir." The double complained to his original who was busy looking at a tablet.

"Nope. There's no time for that." Ed declared before returning to his work.

"And our ships still pretty damaged from _Wrath Of Khan._" The double insisted with a whine.

Ed just pointed a pen at him with a stern look. "Second star to the right… and straight on till morning." He ordered.

**(Cut back to comic)**

"Okay, Kirk reports that they're en-route to section 14 of the Gamma Hydra system." He explained before doing a mock thinking pose. "Hm, there's something familiar about that."

**(We then coincidentally cut to a clip from the movie)**

**Uhura: **_**"Star-ship Enterprise on training mission to Gamma Hydra, section 14." **_

"The _Enterprise _goes to warp... I think, either that or they've suddenly become part of the Reading Rainbow logo." He said as he showed a page of the _Enterprise _flying through what appeared to be a rainbow in space.

**Kirk: **_**"Dr. McCoy was right. I was hiding behind rules and regulations. But now, back on the Enterprise where I belong I feel invigorated… alive… I feel… young!"**_

Ed then made a mock thinking pose again. "You know, It's almost like I've heard that somewhere before." He commented.

**(We then again coincidentally cut to a few clips from the movies)**

**Dr. McCoy: **_**"You're hiding. Hiding behind rules and regulations."**_

**Kirk: "**_**… I feel young!"**_

**(Cut back to comic)**

"In his quarters, Kirk is reading from _'A Tale of Two Cities' _when Saavik tells him that they're approaching the Neutral Zone. Kirk makes a thrilling speech to his crew members… for some reason." Ed continued as he showed them the pages.

**Kirk: **_**"This is the Captain. Many of the current Enterprise crew have served under me before and many times we've been through death and life together."**_

"Jeez, there's that nagging feeling again that I've heard that somewhere before!" Ed commented again. "Someplace better than this maybe?"

**(You know the drill. Roll the clip)**

**Kirk: **_**"Yes, we've been through death and life together."**_

**(Cut to comic)**

**Dr. McCoy: **_**"More life than death thank heaven."**_

Ed rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I love how McCoy says that with a no doubt dead Red-shirt behind him." He muttered before continuing the review.

**Kirk: **_**"But it is not the 'old hands' that this message is directed, but rather to the newer crewmen. I was once in your position…"**_

"Not knowing which airline service to use." Ed joked as Kirk again.

**Kirk: **_**"I know the doubts and fears you must now feel. But the Enterprise crew has never let me down, and I am confident you never will!"**_

"Oh except for that one time where you all got high on spores and left me alone on the ship. Thanks for that by the way." Ed said sarcastically before continuing.

"A crew member named Bryce leaves the mess-hall to start her shift, but it turns out Captain Bearclaw's son now serves on the _Enterprise_. Apparently, Bryce's father also was aboard the_ Gallant._

**(We cut to the comic where Bearclaw's son slaps Bryce in the face!)**

**Bearclaw's son: **_**"And he'd still be alive if your father had done his job!"**_

"Then right the hell out of nowhere, Ensign Bearclaw proceeds to slap her!" Ed exclaimed shocked. Deciding to make a joke out of this to lighten the mood, Ed then says in a snappy teenage girl's voice. "Your father killed my father so, like, I slap you!"

**(We cut back to the comic where we see a very strange scene)**

"And our little bizarre fight scene continues with Bryce kicking Bearclaw in the stomach hard enough to send him flying!" Ed explained before joking. "Ah, the brave crew of the star-ship _Enterprise. _Some get into fights and others don't even try to separate them or anything."

"Coincidentally enough, Kirk is walking past the scene and Bearclaw gets knocked into him."

**Kirk: **_**"Is it your intention to sit out this tour on my lap, Ensign?"**_

Ed then raised an eyebrow before speaking suggestively. "Is that an invitation Captain?" He then regained his composure. "He demands to know who started it and they both respond that they don't know. Yeesh, what a couple of-"

Ed stopped himself when he noticed something familiar about the scene. "Wait a second! Is this ripping off that scene from _'The Trouble With Tribbles?'_" He thought for a moment before he quickly dismissed it with a small chuckle. "No, no, they couldn't be so creatively bankrupt to-"

And just like before, Ed remembered something that seemed very important to him and he flipped back to the Klingon cry-baby page. "Wait a second! The Klingon captain was Koloth wasn't it?_ Captain Koloth _from '_The Trouble With Tribbles!?'_" He realised. "So, not satisfied with ripping off Star Trek 2 for inspiration, they decided to dig into the actual TV series for material!?"

He scowled and turned back to the original page he was on. It was for the best, otherwise he would have ripped up the comic right there if he thought about it any further.

It was strange for him. Why was he getting so worked up about this thing?

And how does he know any of these things from the franchise?

Shaking his head, Ed continued to read. "Anyway, Kirk chews them out saying that they should all be judged as individuals and blah, blah, blah and they go to the bridge." He skipped the page out of boredom. "Saavik reports no sign of Klingon vessels and recommends they raise shields just to play it safe. Kirk refuses however saying that he wants to lure the Klingons out."

Ed then smiled and joked. "Yes, not as if ignoring Saavik's recommendations for raising shields has ever hurt you before right?"

**(As if to kick him in the pants, we cut to see clips of the **_**Enterprise **_**being attacked with it's shields down multiple times causing chaos and mayhem! Even some crew members get flung around the rooms!)**

Ed smiled uneasily as the clips ended. "Forget I said anything. Lets just keep Star Trek 2 separate from the rest of this comic." He decided before resuming. "The Klingons see the _Enterprise _approaching and Koloth points out that this is his chance for revenge. Our old pal 'Conan the pansy' once again thinks about how awful it will be and decides to send a warning to the _Enterprise."_

"Yeah. Betray your people and your way of life to your sworn enemy who you are expressing pity for, for no adequately reason." He smiled before looking away confused at what he just said. "Wait, what?"

"Anyway, the Klingon ships suddenly appear around the _Enterprise _but they raise their shields before they take too much damage. So for the next few pages we get this pattern: The Klingon ships appear and fire, Scotty says they can't take much more, they disappear and lather, rinse and repeat." He explained getting bored himself. "During this, we see another failure of trying to transition a science fiction series that has fairly unique recognisable ship design into comic form."

"The Klingon vessels only reassemble the D7-class warships. Other times the wings have been flattened out or just completely off model. When the artist has room to draw the ships they look competent enough, even though the dimensions are distorted, but when they have these squished panels and try to cram the ships together they can't keep the ships straight!"

"Also in a foolish attempt at photo realism, we also get this shot of Kirk as inked by Rob Liefeld even though it doesn't match the rest of the comic's art!" He complained before getting back to the plot. "Anyway, Kirk realises the Klingon's attack strategy and blows away some of their ships."

**Kirk: **_**"Captain's log, supplemental: My strategy was successful. The Klingons, thinking us defeated continued their synchronized attack leaving themselves open to a synchronized attack of my own!"**_

"Captain's log, addendum: Damn I'm good!" Ed joked before gesturing to the camera. "Denny Crane!"

**(Cut back to comic)**

"Back on Koloth's ship he's less than pleased by this turn of events.

**Koloth: **_**"Damn that Kirk! He is a sorcerer!" **_

"So, Kirk is Gandalf the Grey to the Klingons?" Ed questioned with a raised eyebrow.

**Saavik: **_**Two ships have self-destructed. Two ships vanishing sir!"**_

"_Self-destructed? _You fired on them and destroyed them! They didn't do anything to themselves!" Ed pointed out/complained.

"Kirk, deciding to be a dick, chews out Saavik for not knowing how the Klingon ships are appearing and disappearing. He orders a senior staff meeting in fifteen minutes but then we cut to sickbay, where Dr. McCoy is doing what he does best in any episode of Star Trek: _Be grouchy!" _

"Saavik stops by to talk to him, explaining that Kirk is being mean to her because he misses Spock. All McCoy can say is that she'll just have to deal with it 'till Kirk adjusts."

Ed stopped and looked to the camera. "So I suddenly realised why they've been ripping off so much of Star Trek 2: Their own scenes are dull and pointless!" He said angrily.

"Of course, despite McCoys lame advice for Saavik, he takes it upon himself to visit Kirk in his quarters… where he's changing uniform for some reason." He said slowly as he raised an eyebrow. "Didn't he say that the meeting was in 15 minutes? How come Saavik has time to go have a chat with McCoy and then Kirk to change his clothes and then have another talk with McCoy?" He asked himself.

"Anyway, McCoy has dialled up his cranky meter to 50 since now he's yelling at Kirk."

**McCoy: "**_**Jim, what the hell is going on here?!"**_

**Kirk: **_**"Explain."**_

"Why did Paramount give the 'okay' to this thing!?" Ed joked as McCoy.

"Okay, blah, blah, Saavik's not Spock and Kirk has to deal with that fact, call-back to Kirk's earlier chewing out and treating people like individuals, yeah, we get it, **can you just move on!?"** Ed yelled to the comic impatiently. This was taking forever and it was so boring!

He quickly turned the page and sighed in relief. "Okay, _finally_, we get to our meeting which now necessitates a new stardate. I guess by '15 minutes' Kirk meant 'three days from now.'" Ed snarked before continuing. "They talk about what could possibly be causing the ships to appear and disappear. Kirk suggests a cloaking device but Scotty immediately shoots that down.

**Scotty: **_**"No sir, we cracked that open years ago."**_

"Yeah, right Scotty, it's not like you'll be seeing another cloaking device in Star Trek 3 or anything!" Ed remarked.

_**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**_

Ed snarled, looked around and quickly grabbed what appeared to be an old fashioned gun. He pointed it at the wall where he thought the Continuity Alarm was. "What did I say? _WHAT DID I SAY!?" _He shouted at it.

"**Edward. The review." **Pollo spoke, trying to calm him down and continue the review.

"Fine." He growled as he set the gun down. "But if that thing goes off again, I'll destroy it!" He then finally took notice of the weapon he just held. "Is that a gun?"

"**Yes, but I will explain more about it later."**

"Fine." He relented before picking up where he left off. "Saavik says that they detected a strange energy wave and Scotty identifies it as a wormhole. If the Klingons found a way to stabilize it that means they could enter and exit anytime they wanted. Sadly the _Enterprise _is too underpowered to enter any such wormhole, but Scotty thinks he can jurry-rig the transporter or a shuttle and send people into it."

Ed gave a deadpanned look to the camera. "Sure. Just send in a few random crew-members into something you can only faintly detect and aren't even certain where they'll end up or in what shape they'll be in after they exit." He then gave a fake smile and a thumbs up. "Makes perfect sense!"

"Of course, Kirk wants to strike back at the Klingons right away, ordering Scotty to deliberately to create an imbalance in the engines. I could point out that that's not how wormholes are supposed to be made, whatever, let's just get on with it." He groaned.

"Saavik requests to come along too, but Kirk says she's already being ordered to go along. McCoy thinks to himself…"

**McCoy: **_**"Good boy Jim!"**_

"...even though I'm not exactly certain why this suddenly means he's going to stop being a jerk to her." He mutters to himself. "Kirk also orders Bryce along. Why?... Um…. Uh… Uh…" He stuttered to come up with a reason but he found nothing.

The comic didn't even explain why either!

Deciding to move on and forget this embarrassment, Ed read on. "Er… Anyway, they walk to the transporter room where the engineers are already working on it. For no particular reason, Kirk brings up that Bryce psychological profile says that she '_remains calm under extreme pressure.'"_

"Yeah, which explains why she was stuttering only three panels ago and why her reaction to getting slapped is to kick a guy FIVE FEET IN THE AIR!" Ed shouted as he face-palmed in aggravation.

"Kirk also tells Uhura to call the council of the Organians. Why? It's something to do with the original series and it doesn't matter. In fact: **NONE OF THIS MATTERS!"**

Ed then stopped reading and looked at the camera in anger. "Why am I still reading this?! It's a black hole of blandness, sucking in anything resembling interesting character development and the tiny ounces that we get just feel** forced!"** He shouted before sighing. He just wanted to get this comic over with and it was so agonizingly long!

**(Cut back to comic)**

"Blah, blah, blah, techno-babble, nothing exciting, multi-mortal reflection sorting, people are beamed away inn space suits and **FINALLY! **Last page!" He yelled in relief as he continued to read. "Kirk and Bryce re-materialize in space and we discover the shocking secret of what's on the other end of the wormhole."

**Kirk: **_**"It's a Klingon space station Bryce, with enough firepower to destroy the Enterprise, and anything else they choose!"**_

**(Dramatic cue!)**

….

….

'_Twitch'_

"That's it?" Ed asked lowly as he felt his eye twitch and his temper bubble. "That's the big shocker?" He looked at the camera and asked in a dead voice. "A space station capable of destroying anything they choose?"

…

Pure silence fell upon the room as he quietly closed the comic book and leaned forward towards the camera. "Kirk, I hate to break it to you, but the reason that they call it a 'station' is because it's **STATIONARY! IT DOSEN'T MOVE! SO IT CAN'T REALLY ATTACK ANYTHING CAN IT?! AND DON'T BRING THE DEATH STAR INTO THIS, BECAUSE THIS IS STAR TREK LOGIC! NOT STAR WARS LOGIC!" **Ed screamed into the camera in rage. He had never felt so angry, so frustrated and so annoyed by something so little in his entire life! But this comic managed to do it!

He then picked up the comic and held it up for the camera so the audience could see it clearly. He then said three words that would soon change the world.

Three words that would change his life.

Three words.

"**THIS COMIC SUCKS!"**

If Pollo had a mouth, he would be smiling right now. _**'He is just like you, Linkara.' **_He thought as Ed summed up the comic.

"It's got continuity issues up the wazoo, the artwork is dull and crowded and the writing is snatched away by other, _**better **_material!" He finished as he held the comic angrily. "I mean, what could they possibly hope to achieve by ripping off Star Trek 2? I mean, why would they-"

_**BEEP! BLIP! BLIP! BEEP!**_

Ed snapped out of his ranting he heard multiple beeping and blips coming from a small rectangular device. He picked it up, held it up to the comic and opened it. As he did, he slowly moved it around the comic as the device made more noises.

Ed then felt his eyes widen. "My god!" He said aloud and looked at the camera. "The tricorder function of my Nintendo DS is picking up some strange neutrino emissions from this comic! The particles are… organic in nature!" He said, astonished before he realized something. "My god! This comic… is actually becoming… _alive!" _He gasped.

"_**Yes Edward Elric."**_

Ed felt his blood turn to ice and looked to where the deep voice came from.

The comic book!

"GAH!" He yelled in fright and threw the comic away. But to his surprise, the comic started hovering in the air.

"_**I have been draining the life from Star Trek 2, feasting off of its quality!" **_The comic explained before it glowed with a red hew. _**"Now I'll drain even your life-force and there is nothing you can do to stop me!"**_

Ed climbed back on to his wheelchair as he stared at the comic in both wonder and fear. As soon as he heard what it intended to do with him, he snapped out of his frightened state and scowled.

If that comic wanted him, then by all means, come and get him!

"You're going down!" Ed growled with a raised fist. The comic leaped at him and clung to his face, muffling his angry yelling! The two of them mumbled swears and gibberish at each other as Ed rolled back on his chair from the fight.

It was at that moment, the door moment revealing a suit of armour.

"Brother, what's with all the noise? I just got back with Winry and- BROTHER!" Alphonse Elric gasped as he watched his brother roll out of the room with some… _thing… _attached to his face.

"Al? What's going on in here- ED?!" Their childhood friend, Winry Rockbell, gasped as she saw Ed flail his arms around his face. She ran up to Al who was still standing in shock. "Al! What's going on?" She asked.

"I don't know!" He replied as he watched his brother fight the comic. "I just opened the door and brother rolled out with that thing!" He pointed at the comic.

Winry looked at them and raised any eyebrow. "Is that newspaper trying to suffocate him? And why is he wearing that getup?" She asked, confused.

Ed finally managed to get the comic off his face and he punched it away. He turned to his brother and his friend with wide eyes. "Correction! It's a comic book that's trying to kill me!"

Winry and Al just stared blankly at him.

"..."

"..."

"...what?" They responded.

Ed shook his head. But before either of them could continue, the comic flew back in the air again, shocking Winry and Al.

"No time to explain! Al, go into the room and get Pollo!" Ed called as the comic lunged at him again before it was whacked away by a wrench swing from Winry. Ed looked at her in shock. "Where the hell did you get that!?" He yelled in surprise.

"Like you said, no time to explain!" She said quickly before swinging the wrench at the comic again.

Ed shook his head before he heard someone call out to him.

"Brother! Who is this?"

"That's Pollo!"

"Okay! Just making sure you weren't crazy and talking to a puppet!"

"HEY!"

"**I am not a puppet. I am a advanced robot built with sophisticated technology."**

"Sorry."

"**It's all good." **

"My name's Al."

"**I am Pollo."**

"Okay! If you guys have the introductions out of the way, I'd like to remind you that we are being ATTACKED BY A COMIC BOOK!" Ed shouted at the two, bringing them back to reality.

"Oh right!" Al turned to Pollo. "Do you have anything to defeat that thing?" He asked the blue robot.

"**Yes I do." **Pollo responded and he turned to face the gun from before. **"Give him the gun." **He instructed.

Al picked it up and looked at it. "Is this a toy?" He asked, dumbfounded.

"**You have to trust me on this." **

Al nodded and ran out the room to see his brother and Winry backing away from the comic. He could see that Winry's wrench was turned to ashes by whatever the comic did. "BROTHER! CATCH!" He cried and he threw the gun.

Ed easily caught it with his left hand and he pointed it at the comic. "Thanks Al!" He smiled as he clicked the gun.

"_**You can't hurt me with that thing!" **_The comic scoffed. _**"There's not even any way of loading it!"**_

Ed just smiled as he held the gun. He moved his finger to the trigger.

And pulled.

'**PEW!'**

A red energy bullet shot out from the gun and flew quickly into the comic, hitting it dead on! The comic gasped, made noises of pain and fell to the floor.

Ed wheeled himself to it, clicked the gun again and pointed it at it again, ready to finish it off.

But not before it said its final words.

"_**But how!?" **_It asked. _**"You have to explain it!"**_

Ed raised an eyebrow mockingly. "Explain it?" He repeated. "It's magic. I don't have to explain it!" He said before shooting again.

'**PEW!'**

The comic screamed as it burned away, leaving nothing but ashes.

The trio just stared at the black scorch mark on the floor before Ed smiled. "Well, that was fun! Who's for Xingise?" He clapped his hands as he looked at Al and Winry.

The two stared at him blankly for a moment before Winry grabbed a wrench out of nowhere and whacked him over the head. "YOU IDIOT!"

"OW! OK! NO XINGISE!"

"Brother. I think it would be best if you told us what's going on." Al said calmly.

Ed rubbed the spot where the wrench hit him and smiled sheepishly. "Uh… It's kind of a long story."

"**I believe I should tell the story." **Pollo suggested as he floated into the room.

Winry looked in his direction and held her wrench threateningly at him. "Alright tin-man. Talk."

_**Later…**_

Al and Winry just stared at the robot with wide eyes and jaws dropped. **(Last one from Winry)**

"I get it if you two don't believe us. But we're telling the truth." Ed said firmly as he looked down to the floor.

Al was the first to speak. "Well, after what we just saw, and what happened to us, I have to believe you brother." If he had his human body, we would be smiling.

Winry just shook her head as a small smile appeared as well. "Honestly, I don't care if it's magic or Alchemy. At least you're not even crazy than before." She joked.

"HEY!" Ed shouted indignantly. But you could see he had a small smirk on his face.

An awkward silence fell upon the group for a couple of minutes before Winry spoke up. "So… now what?"

"**If you two want your bodies back, I suggest that you both join the military and use the resources to find a way to restore them."** Pollo suggested before continuing. **"You can also use the technology we have to accomplish that goal quickly."**

Ed thought about it for a moment before smiling. "You know… that's not a bad idea Pollo!" He then turned to Winry. "Winry! Do you think you can make and automail arm and leg for me, please?" He asked.

"Uh… yeah I guess." She said slowly. "But, why?"

"Brother, are you sure about this?" Al asked. "This isn't going to be easy. And the rehabilitation will be painful."

"Heh!" Ed grinned and clenched his fist. "I'll only need about a year to do that!" He challenged himself as he looked at his brother. "I promise I'll get your body back even if I have to drag myself through the gates of hell to do it! You can count on it!" He declared as he gave his brother a thumbs up.

If he could cry right now, Al would be doing it. He wrapped his arms around Ed and pulled him into a tight hug. "Thank you brother!"

Winry watched on with a fond smile as she rubbed her eyes when she felt tears of her own welling up. _'Those two… I really do hope they can do it.'_

Pollo himself watched the scene play out. _**'The world is in safe hands.' **_

As Al pulled away, Ed looked at Pollo with a smile. "Say Pollo?"

"**Yes?"**

"... What do you think of the idea of my show having a theme song?"

"**... I know just the one."**

**And cut! That's a wrap!**

**Well, I hope you guy's enjoyed that! I will try to update as quickly as I can.**

**But since its Christmas around the corner, it might take a while.**

**If you have any thoughts or questions, let me know.**

**Please read and review!**

**This is Wielder Of The Blue Flames, signing off!**

**(And for those who stuck around for the end, here's an end scene.)**

Ed climbed back on to the green futon and looked up to the ceiling. He turned his head to the right side to show the camera he had burn marks on him. "No… no, you can't get away!" He wheezed. "From hell's heart… I stab at thee! For hate's sake… I spit my last breath at thee!" He smiled evilly as music played in the background.

Then stopped and he looked into the camera. "See, even I can do it. It's not that hard."

"Ed, what are you doing?" Winry called from the other room.

"Nothing!" He called back.


End file.
